Guilt
by cgdrum
Summary: Follow on from Don't Look Down but doesn't have to be read for it to make sense! - showing the reaction of Shepard and Liara to the fall of Thessia. Told from both sides - only two chapters... short and sweet hopefully .
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or storylines from the Mass Effect Universe._

_Author Note: This is my take on how Shepard and Liara would feel after the fall of Thessia told from both sides.  
_

Shepard's side

The relief that Shepard felt as she looked up into Liara's eyes and felt her hand grasping her, pulling her to safety was short lived as she saw Kei Leng heading off towards the grounded gunship.

As soon as she had sound footing she shoved Liara to one side and ran after him, stooping to pick up a pistol which she then fired fruitlessly at the now retreating gunship.

She stood and watched, her face reflecting her anger and frustration, as the gunship, Kei Leng and the data flew away. As she stood there watching her comms kicked in: it was the Asari Commandos they had encountered earlier and they were in trouble. All Shepard could do was listen as the Reapers continued their assault and decimated the commando unit. By now Shepard was visibly shaking her anger, her frustration, her rage, her guilt beginning to overwhelm any logical practical thoughts she would normal possess. When she felt Liara's hand on her shoulder she followed her instincts shrugged it off and stormed away, she didn't want or need anything right now from anyone. As she walked away she knew Liara and Ashley's eyes were following her but she didn't care she just needed to leave.

Fuck… Fuck… Fuck… was the only thought she had as they were picked up by Cortez and returned to the Normandy in silence. She paced the shuttle avoiding eye contact with both Liara and Ashley she didn't need their sympathy or their platitudes she had fucked up this mission and the consequences were horrifying. The Asari people were down there dying, Thessia was on the verge of collapse and the data they required was in the hands of Cerberus. Then there was Liara – she couldn't face looking at her she knew she would be devastated and it was all Shepard's fault, she had let Liara down and she was ashamed.

She glanced at Liara as she exited the shuttle and her heart plunged. From the way Liara was holding herself it was all too apparent how much she was hurting. Shepard pulled herself upright… this was her fault and her responsibility and now she had to report her failure to the Asari Councillor, duty comes first. She headed off to the comms room without a word to anyone.

Right now fuck was still the only word that she could articulate, so she took her time before talking to the Asari Councillor, the comms console beeped in the background. As she stood there the feelings of guilt and failure began to take a hold, she leant against the wall, her head resting on her arm and tried to collect her thoughts, to get herself to a coherent state. _"Fuck I've let Liara down"._ There she said it out loud - this wasn't about the Asari home world or the Fleet, this wasn't even about Cerberus beating her and escaping with the data for Shepard this was about Liara. Beep, beep.

She had jokingly remarked in a conversation with Liara that "_every time the worlds about to end, I think about how mad you'd get if I didn't stop it"_ the next sentence though had not been said in jest _"I don't know if I could do this without you"_ and she couldn't… she couldn't do this without her and yet by doing this with her she had let her down, failed her… how could she ever face her again. Beep, beep.

All Shepard truly wanted from all this was Liara to live, Liara to be happy and if that meant sacrificing her beliefs, her honour, her very soul well she would gladly do so. But failing her – that thought had never entered Shepard's mind _"Fuck"_. Beep, beep.

Beep, beep. Shepard realised she had been stood for some time and that the beeping had increased in frequency. She had no choice but to answer. The conversation was brief the distraught Asari Councillor cutting Shepard off as she was trying to apologise.

Another beep and this time a conversation with Anderson – he tried to give her a pep talk whilst all the while Shepard was thinking of Liara, wondering how she could every face her again, how she could give her an adequate apology for her failure. Anderson stopped and it was finally over.

But then there was Joker over her comm _"Umm Commander – Liara and Javik, uh they seem to be having some sort of disagreement in Javik's quarters. Edi says that there seems to be some biotic activity down there. I think perhaps you should…"_

Shepard cut him off telling him she would deal with it she then ordered him to get the Normandy out of Thessia's space and to arrange a meeting of the senior crew members in the war room for when she had finished. With her commands dished out she took a deep breath and headed to Javik's quarters.

As she walked through the door Liara was ablaze with biotics – Shepard looked at her immediately drawn to her beauty, her presence –fuck had she lost her with her incompetence, with her failure. The thought it made her feel like her heart would stop, like everything would stop but she forced herself to reach out and touch Liara's arm whilst telling her to calm down.

Liara turned at the touch but Shepard couldn't maintain eye contact, couldn't look into the sadness, the pain, the despair that was all too apparent. Javik and Liara continued their discussion, Javik ultimately surprising Shepard, and Liara if the look on her face was anything to go by, by talking the Asari up and then encouraging her to fight on.

Shepard watched as Liara's biotics faded and she left, leaving her with Javik – he insisted that he was genuine, said it was essential that Liara didn't give in to her despair. He said everything Shepard wanted to hear but none of it rang true, this was war and Javik was a warrior. The one thing Shepard had learnt in her conversations with Javik was that he would do anything, say anything to win this war and Shepard was sure this was just more of that.

She left and although she was dreading the next encounter she made her way to Liara's cabin, she passed Tali on the way who told her Liara needed her now - Shepard had her doubts. How could Liara want the woman who had allowed Thessia to fall, who had let Cerberus run off with the data they needed, the woman who had let her down – how could she possibly want that person. Shepard knew she had to get a grip, knew she had to front it out, take the accusations; she had to admit her failure… she owed Liara that at the very least but the thought of it was devastating. What if Liara didn't want to see her, what if she… Shepard shook her head then stopped outside the room for a minute to compose herself. She set her face in an attempt to disguise her feelings and entered.

Liara was at the far end of her cabin curled up on her bed, data pads strewn around her whilst she talked to Edi. Edi was saying something about Benezia – about her trying to protect Liara. Shepard couldn't quite make out the conversation but she could quite clearly see the tears falling from those beautiful sad blue eyes. Her stomach sank and her legs refused to move _"Goddess"_ she thought _"let me face a thresher maw, Saren, a reaper, anything… anything but this"_

She took another deep breath and then forced herself to approach Liara - reluctant to look at her knowing the damage, the pain she had caused. As she neared the bed Liara lifted her head _"How did this happen Shepard? Did I make too many assumptions, rely on too many others or did I just ignore my own people?"_

Shepard is so taken back that Liara thinks that this is her fault that she physically rocks backwards like she has been punched _"What - you'd never do that!"_ the statement came out fast and blunt.

_"But they're dying Shepard, I said we'd save them, I demanded their help and now they're dying in their millions because of me"_ Liara was distraught- beside herself with the pain, the guilt.

Shepard looked at her astounded – how can she possibly think this is her fault? She walked towards the bed, towards Liara and pulled her up to face her, Liara stood dejected her head down. Shepard gently touched Liara's chin and lifted her head up until she could look directly into those blue eyes _"No. No. No. This is not your fault. I let them down not you. I let Thessia down; I let the fleet down…"_ Shepard's voice dropped to almost a whisper _"I let you down. I'm sorry… I'm so sorry Liara but this is not your fault – none of it is. This is my responsibility, my failure, mine alone."_

She moved her hand away from Liara's chin and caressed away the tears that had been falling down Liara's cheeks. _"Liara this is my failing and you should never think otherwise. I only hope you can forgive me… I should have realised… should have…"_ she stopped, as Liara leaned forward and softly kissed her _"…but…"_ this time Liara stopped her by placing a single finger on her lips.

Unable to look into those blue eyes any longer Shepard closed her eyes and leaned forward until their foreheads were touching. Time stopped and they just stood there, each drawing strength from the other. Shepard felt Liara's hand start to trace the outline of her jaw – lightly almost playfully, even as it sent shivers down her spine she knew this was not the time. She put her hand up and caught Liara's drawing it to her lips and kissing it.

_"Liara I'm sorry. I know this is my fault, that I've let everyone down, that I've let you down"_

_"Shepard. No. You…"_

_"No I have, this guilt is mine to bear not yours"_ she said as she feels Liara's breath on her face _"but perhaps there is something we could do"_

It took all of Shepard's willpower to let go of her and walk over to one of the Shadow Broker consoles _"I let them down Liara not you, I let them down but perhaps if we move fast enough they have a chance to survive this to start over" _she started to work accessing screens, making contacts.

Shepard heard Liara moving and then found herself being pushed to one side _"Yes. Helping the refugees – I can do that thank you"_ She watched as Liara began to work – relieved that Liara now had something to focus on. Shepard sighed and turned to go until Liara caught her arm and pulled her back to face her _"Shepard I… I don't blame you, this isn't your fault. I know you, I know what you would do for me, give up for me"_ She leant forward and kissed her _"but… but I need some time, you understand?"_

Shepard nodded maintaining eye contact but not daring to speak – yes she understood, she knew damn well what she had done, knew it would take time. She went to leave but hesitated turning back to face Liara _"You saved me Liara. Thank you"_

Liara looked confused _"I just got there before Ash; she'd have saved you otherwise"_

Shepard smiled to herself _"No Liara not just today"_ she leant forward lightly trailing her finger tips down Liara's cheek saying softly but firmly _"You saved me" _before leaving Liara to her work.


	2. Chapter 2

Liara after Thessia

The relief that Liara felt as she looked down into Shepard's eyes, grabbed her arm and pulled her to safety was short lived.

As soon as Shepard had sound footing Liara felt herself get shoved aside as Shepard stormed past her stooping to pick up a pistol as she ran, firing fruitlessly at the now retreating gunship on which Kei Leng was making his escape.

Liara watched as Shepard tried to communicate with the Asari Commandos that they had encountered earlier. The commandos that Liara had promised to help, had promised to save – Oh Goddess – she had failed them. She saw Shepard begin to shake… her anger, her rage and frustration manifesting itself physically as she listened to the Commandos desperate cries for help, their screams as the reaper descended.

Liara could not believe it. Her home… her people… the ones she could hear and the ones that she couldn't were all out there dying and there was nothing she could do. Her gaze followed Shepard… she couldn't help them but perhaps she could help her. She approached Shepard and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, her heart broke a little as Shepard shrugged her off and stormed away. She went to go after her but Ashley looked at her and gave her a small shake of her head _"Liara leave her"_ she knew she was right but this was Shepard and having her turn away from her was unbearable.

The journey back to the Normandy was quiet, Shepard paced the shuttle avoiding eye contact although Liara watched her every move. Liara knew she would be blaming herself and the longer she watched the angrier she got. This was her fault not Shepard's, her fault and the Prothean's fault. Yes this was Javik's fault he must have known more, must have been able to prevent what had happened. The anger, the guilt and the pain began to override any rational thought and Liara forgot about Shepard, Liara forgot about everything.

Liara was vaguely aware of Shepard glancing at her as she left the shuttle but by now her mind was elsewhere – her blame had become firmly centred on her beloved Protheans and in particular on Javik.

She left the shuttle bay and headed straight for Javik's quarters, unceremoniously barging in. Then the shouting began. Liara could feel her temper rising and although she was aware of the door opening she paid it no attention. Her biotics were flaring.

_"I have a name. It's Liara T'Soni and I'd appreciate you using it from now on"_ she raged.

It was then at the peak of her rage that she felt a hand, a very familiar hand on her arm.

_"Hey settle down"_ It was Shepard.

Liara spun and looked at her _"My home was just destroyed… and all he can do is gloat"_ half-way through the sentence she saw the shock in Shepard's face at the venomous tone she was using but she just couldn't stop herself.

_"You want me to apologise for the truth?"_ Javik scoffed

_"No apologise for not doing more. You are a Prothean. You were supposed to have all the answers. How could you let this happen?"_ Liara spat back

_"We believed you would. Long ago we saw the potential in the Asari. Your wisdom. Your patience. You were the best hope for this cycle – we guided you"_

_"Well it didn't work"_

_"You're still alive aren't you? As long as even one Asari is alive then the fight isn't over"_

Liara looked at Javik unsure if he was being genuine or not, then let her biotics fade _"I guess that goes for Protheans too"_

_"Despair is the enemy's greatest weapon. Do not let them wield it… Liara T'Soni"_

Liara watched him, yes he was right but the guilt and the dying. She turned and left heading back to her room. On the route back she was vaguely aware of Tali trying to talk to her, to sympathise with her but it was too much to cope with so she walked past her saying nothing. Her thoughts were consumed by the Asari she had promised to save that were now dead and dying, by the sight of Thessia being ravaged by reapers. Her thoughts then turned to Benezia, her mother, she must have known about the beacon – why hadn't she told Liara .

She threw herself down on her bed scattering the data pads that had been piled up neatly. She only realised that she must have been talking out loud when Edi responded, talking to her about Benezia reasoning that perhaps all she had been trying to do was protect Liara.

The thought that Benezia, who Liara had had a hand in killing, was protecting her was too much and the tears started to fall. As she was lying on her bed she felt Shepard's presence, felt her in the room watching her, studying her. She had no idea how long she had been there but then again she didn't care all she could think of was Thessia and the death and destruction of her home, of her people. She lifted her head _"How did this happen Shepard? Did I make too many assumptions, rely on too many others or did I just ignore my own people?"_

Liara was surprised at Shepard's reaction as she physically rocked back as though she had been punched, the verbal response was fast and blunt _"What - you'd never do that!"_

_"But they're dying Shepard, I said we'd save them, I demanded their help and now they're dying in their millions because of me"_

The guilt, the pain enveloped her and her head dropped. Suddenly she felt Shepard's hands pulling her up and then gently lifting her chin forcing her to make eye contact _"No. No. No. This is not your fault. I let them down not you. I let Thessia down; I let the fleet down…"_ Shepard's voice dropped to almost a whisper _"I let you down. I'm sorry… I'm so sorry Liara but this is not your fault – none of it is. This is my responsibility, my failure, mine alone."_

The tears were now falling freely and she started slightly as Shepard removed her hand from her chin and used it to caress the tears away. _"Liara this is my failing and you should never think otherwise. I only hope you can forgive me… I should have realised… should have…"_ Liara couldn't believe that this beautiful, fearless woman was blaming herself, she couldn't stand to listen so she leant forward and softly kissed her _"…but…"_ Liara lifted her hand and placed one finger on Shepard's lips silencing her again not wanting to hear anymore, only too aware that Shepard was wrong and that it was in fact Liara's burden, Liara's guilt.

Liara was relieved when Shepard dropped her gaze, closed her eyes and leant forward so their foreheads were touching. Time stopped and they just stood there each drawing strength from the other. Unconsciously Liara reached for Shepard and began to trace the outline of her jaw – lightly, playfully. She was surprised when Shepard caught her hand, lifted it to her lips and kissed it; she was even more surprised when Shepard spoke _"Liara I'm sorry. I know this is my fault, that I've let everyone down, let you down"_

Liara couldn't believe what she was hearing; she couldn't believe that Shepard thought this was her responsibility _"Shepard. No. You…"_

Shepard cut her off _"No I have, this guilt is mine to bear not yours but perhaps there is something we could do"_

Liar stepped back stunned, Shepard truly thought this was her fault. She watched as Shepard walked over to one of her consoles and started tapping. Shepard glanced back at Liara "_I let them down Liara not you, I let them down but perhaps if we move fast enough they have a chance to survive this to start over"_

Liara couldn't believe she hadn't already thought to do this as she moved to the console and purposefully pushed Shepard to one side _"Yes. Helping the refugees – I can do that thank you"_

Liara began working, oblivious to Shepard watching her until she heard a sigh. She looked up and saw Shepard leaving; she moved towards her, caught her arm and pulled her back to face her _"Shepard I… I don't blame you, this isn't your fault. I know you, I know what you would do for me, give up for me"_ unable to stop herself she leant forward and kissed her _"but… but I need some time, you understand?"_

Liara maintained eye contact with Shepard and saw the flash of emotion – the guilt. Liara knew better though, Liara knew this was her fault – if only they had told her of the presence of the beacon on Thessia she could have prevented the deaths of the Asari, could have prevented the fall of Thessia. The guilt was hers; surely Shepard understood that she needed time to learn to live it.

She watched as Shepard went to leave only to hesitate and turn back _"You saved me Liara. Thank you"_

Liara felt confused _"I just got there before Ash; she'd have saved you otherwise"_

She saw Shepard softly smile _"No Liara not just today"_ she leant forward lightly trailing her finger tips down Liara's cheek before saying softly but firmly _"You saved me"_

Shepard left leaving Liara watching the door _"Goddess Shepard you have no idea… I didn't save you – you saved me"_


End file.
